The World's Most Boringest Ghost

A Spookily Uninspiring Funkiller

The WMBG floats onto the battlefield after his latest stint at a county fair. He's the type of guy who shows up to the party early, eats all the dip, and sits in the corner telling someone he just met about his wheat allergy. His favorite movie is Seabiscuit. Last summer he went on vacation to Milwaukee. He has only ever been enthusiastic about one thing: hosing you down with white hot plasma.

Dog Pope

Bee-Spewing Canine Pontiff

Supposedly the sole representative of Dog on Earth, Dog Pope is dodgy, has a funny hat, and spews swarms of bees in the manner of Catholic Tradition hailing back to High Medieval Times. I mean that as in the time period, not the world-famous chain of Dinner & Tournament establishments. Heed him and his billions of dogmatic followers!

(I thought we were above that sort of pun, but I guess not.)

El Cybredemon

Entirely Fresh and Interesting High Lord Of Hell

You've never seen this boss before, but he sure seems new and exciting.

(SHHH! KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN! Yeah, it's me, I need to get out of town for a while. I... I owe some very angry people a lot of money. Yeah, it's... what? No, I haven't thought of starting a MMA promotion. Why do you ask?)

Imp Tank

Cannon-Fodder With A Cannon

An armed society, so they claim, is a polite society. And ever the impressionable fellow, one young imp has gotten tired of having his allies constantly shot, stabbed, ripped and torn, and has elected to even the odds a little bit. And by that, I mean he stole a tank and fully intends to use it on you. Which is entirely fair. I mean, you can strafe, right?

Ms. THE JERK

The Smash Hit Sequel To THE JERK

In an effort to further segment the marketplace, the faceless corporation that bought the rights to THE JERK in a fire sale has introduced a pinker, largely identical model for women. But somehow, these cynical and unimaginative plans have backfired. Ms. THE JERK balks at her token role in the patriarchy (and her inexplicable mortality) and has responded by somehow becoming more violent and deadlier than the original. Also, somehow Mr. THE JERK earns 15 cents more on the dollar than she does. #EqualPayForEqualJerk

Player 2

The World's Deadliest Pallete Swap

Due to an unfortunate and extremely unlikely incident involving malfunctioning teleporters, palette swapping, alternate dimensions where everyone is evil and has a goatee, a wayward voodoo doll and at least five meandering blowflies, you have an evil twin. The bad news is that he has access to many of the same weapons as you do. The good news is that he's just as mortal as you are.

The ShapeShifter

A Bodysnatcher With A Grudge

The ShapeShifter was cast out of the 9th Dimension as the result of a copyright dispute in the 9th Dimensional Circuit Court. Mr. Shifter maintains his innocence and is currently involved in an appeals process, but in his idling rage, he has unleashed his violent, intellectual property-violating chaos upon this planet. He currently resides in Sichuan Province for obvious reasons.

MacGuffin

King Of The Hobos

The Hobo King has risen from his eternal slumber in the Cosmic Railyard. Just as Godzilla was born from the aftermath of nuclear war, MacGuffin gestated from a pile of jugs and old jackets. Centuries after he last emerged and ushered in the Dark Ages, MacGuffin has returned taller than a building and more Scottish than average. Watch for his firey breath and deafening attempts at singing parlor songs.

Mecha-Hitler

Proof That Imagination Is Dead

Von all den Bossen in der Reelism Spiel, Robot-Führer definitiv die beste. Er ist total genial und treibt einen Sportwagen mit Lasern und heiße Frauen alle über sie. Ob Sie es glauben oder nicht, hat er einen afro, und er bekam 20€ von seiner Mutter so konnte er ein neues Skateboard kaufen. Letzte Woche ging er Fallschirmspringen mit Al Roker. Er ist total die coolste Person in der Welt. Ich habe manchmal heiß und verschwitzt Phantasien über ihn.

A Motherfucking Wizard in a Motherfucking Monster Truck

Yep.

You know what? I think this pretty much explains itself. Have fun getting run over!

Devil Driver

Nightmarish Anti-Ninja Mechanism

The Ultimate Revelation Machine! Death On Treads! That Creepy Dude With The Skull Head And The Dong Cannon! Or just a bunch of sweaty South Carolinans in a bus. No matter what you call it, this horrifying creature has plenty of ways to make you die (and die NOW), and is perhaps a little too eager to show you a few of them.

The Guardian

Building-Sized City Defender

Project UG-9S, codenamed "The Guardian", was developed to be the ultimate military defense robot. However, due to a programmer taking a liquid lunch while on the clock, a fatal typo was made, resulting in "defend humanity" becoming "destroy humanity." Guess you'll just have to pull the plug yourself.

Juggernaut

Utfoo Heavy Assault Craft

The Nar called them "Gaze in Stunned Disbelief at the Tool of Our Destruction". The Phfor called them Juggernauts. We're not very creative, so we're going with Juggernaut too. Marathon's Warpedo-packing big nasty crossed into this world after its troubled stint at the Tau Ceti Cirque du Soleil, where an ill-informed hiring manager made the egregious mistake of booking it for the trapeze act. Fatum iustum stultorum.